The glimmers of graduation

 The glimmers of graduation

I remember how eager I was to get into University (Uni). My desire was to study law and finally look like the woman I envisioned myself to be in my head. Unfortunately, not all my dreams came to pass. The life I thought I was meant to have and fight for was nowhere to be found. Many adjustments needed to be made. Ultimately, my life started falling into place according to God’s timeline.

Picture credit: Dorcas Mbuyi. Featuring Zainab and Sesona. (This was during my first few years of high school.) 

 In 2016, there I was, finally admitted into high school after being told by a psychologist that I wasn’t smart enough to finish school. I can’t begin to describe the excitement that wrapped itself in my soul. My excitement was due to two reasons: I got into my dream high school, and I proved the psychologist wrong. Maybe I wasn’t as dumb as I thought after all. Although being a junior wasn’t as easy as I thought, I thoroughly enjoyed my time as a grade 8 student. As time went on, my struggles resurfaced. One being my toxic relationship with maths, my marks were extremely terrible that my dad was afraid to pick up my report at school. This carried on to the next year.

In 2017, my grades began to fail me. On top of that, my biggest insecurity had started haunting me again. Can you imagine being 17 years old in grade 9? That’s not the normal age; in grade 9, you were supposed to be 15 years old. However, I was the older sister to most of my classmates. I felt shame for being that old and probably the dumbest amongst them. This realisation made me feel numb inside, to the point where I didn’t even want to continue with my athletics career or try out for debating. I had a survival and insecurity mentality. At this point, the only thing I was focused on was passing enough to proceed to the next grade. Eventually, I made it to grade 10, hoping things would get better. I didn’t know that there was another battle waiting for me.

 

 Grade 10, this was the grade to look forward to; you were finally a senior in a sense. Most importantly, you could now pick your own subjects. The excitement that beamed through my eyes was unexplainable. I could finally drop pure maths, I absolutely disliked it with every being inside of me. My life looked like it was now making sense. There I was having dropped pure maths, thinking that maths literacy waited for me with open arms (at least I thought). Maths literacy was supposed to be easier than pure maths; that’s what I was told. How could I possibly be having a hard time with maths literacy as well? Honestly, nothing in this world has ever made me feel more stupid than school. Was it because I wasn’t smart enough, or maybe school wasn’t meant for me? So many questions flooded my mind. Maths was the least of my worries; I had another battle in the form of bullying. I thought maths had punched me enough, but God said, Let’s allow her to experience emotional bullying just to toughen her up a bit. Well, I didn’t like it, my life just got worse, according to me.

 

Grade 11, officially a senior. The mindset I had going into grade 11 was: ‘I’m almost done with school mentality’. My focus was on making it into matric and pursuing my degree in law. At this point, my desire was to change my life around and create a completely ‘new’ narrative. I wanted to grow up quickly just to try and escape all the pain I had previously experienced. There I was in a different grade, yet fighting the same battles as previously. My goal was still the same, just to pass well enough to progress to the next grade. I tried my best and eventually passed well enough to make it into matric. During this period of my life, I had tried to commit suicide. It clearly didn’t work, but I was on the verge of giving up on life in general. It felt like each time I turned to one corner, hoping for relief, I was met with even more pain. Although I was faced with many battles during this time, I knew that matric was my last stop. I told myself to suck it up and think of life after school, grade 12 was my last stop before becoming a big girl.

 

 

 

Grade 12, I reached my final destination. After some years of pain and struggles, my dream came to pass. There I was seated in my maths class, knowing that I was doing everything for the last time. My matric year was a turning point in my life. I realised that I couldn’t cope without God. My desire was to outperform so that I could at least pass well enough to get into university. I decided to work as hard as I could to prevent myself and my parents from the shame of failing. Throughout the grade, we wrote exams, some I didn’t perform well in, and others I performed quite well. On the 18^th of October, I started my final exams, which determined whether I would fail the grade and repeat or pass. That day, I went on my knees in search of help. I was searching for God to help me pass my matric, but I wasn’t thinking of fully giving my life to him. Essentially, my focus was on ‘using’ God as a weapon to pass. As I began to search more of him, that’s when he captured my heart, and I couldn’t get enough of him. My search wasn’t based just on his hand, but I wanted to know his heart. On that faithful day of the 18^th of October, I was baptised with the Holy Spirit in my room. There’s a lot that God began doing in my life. He was the reason why I passed my exams. I remember during my maths literacy exam, I could feel the Holy Spirit helping me answer questions that were a bit difficult for me. Till this day I can’t explain how I passed my matric quite well enough to get into university. Although I didn’t get into the University of my dreams it was still a huge achievement for me, as this meant my parents didn’t have to be embarrassed.

 

2021-2024, These four years were pivotal moments in my life. My dream for law was completely shattered. I got into a university that my heart wasn’t truly fond of. Somehow, I knew that God wanted me in a specific town for a reason. After the first year of university, I saw something that I didn’t know I was capable of seeing. When I was still in high school, I barely saw a distinction. Whereas, when I got to university, most of my modules I passed them with distinction. I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes, and I felt as though I was actually smart enough to do school. That boosted my confidence to a level I couldn’t have imagined. However, as the years went on, I guess I could say that I got lazy. My marks were starting to look questionable, and something worse happened towards the end of my 2^nd year. While I was trying to apply for my 2^nd year, I unfortunately forgot to add a year module. It held me back completely, and I had to add another year to my degree, which was supposed to be three years ended up being four. I was devastated, and all my emotions of feeling like a failure came sweeping back in. After some words of encouragement from God and my family, I decided to keep pushing through. After the battle of overcoming failure, God held me together to the point where I finally graduated.

 

My reason for sharing my story is to show that often graduation may come with many glimmers. Sometimes we have little moments of joy inside because we are finally walking across the stage and hearing our names being called out. What I need us to realise is that graduation is more than the degree, it’s about the story that God wrote and the journey he allowed us to walk through. We can’t allow ourselves to feel little glimmers. We need to be more grateful and proud of ourselves. Your perseverance and faith are why God allowed us to walk across the stage. Let us learn to celebrate the hand of God in our lives and, most importantly, the promises of God. Your life is in God’s hands, not your parents or, in my case, a psychologist's.

 

Picture credit: David. (On the 9^th of April 2025, I became a graduate).